By Siggie Cohen

It's that time in your child's life and as much as you might be looking forward to it––you're also dreading it. By now you've been bombarded with information and suggestions––anywhere from the latest products and techniques to Grandma's sage advice. In addition to this information overload, you might have been frightened by toilet training myths. People experience life from a variety of points-of-view, so everyone is entitled to their individual experiences. But, some sorting out of all that you hear and fear might be valuable for you as a less-experienced parent.

Let's look at some facts about toilet training: Toilet training is a combination of several developmental processes. Did you know that your child finally recognized itself in the mirror only after it was 18 months old? When you consider this fact, your child is not able to make the connection between the dirty diaper you change and their own body. He or she is able to take charge of their body functions once they acquire an understanding that this specific body function belongs to them, and understand what happens when they mess their diaper. As the parent, your job is to "train" the child and help them acquire this awareness.

Children are developmentally capable to take charge over their bodily functions between the ages of 22 - 36 months. For most children younger than that, control of bodily functions is a bit of a premature expectation; for children older than that, it might mean the delay of this developmental stage, along with others.

Think of toilet training as any other type of training––i.e. a process requiring preparation, instructions, and guidance. Your child obtains this skill along with acquiring a greater level of responsibility. You'll want to remember that this freshly acquired level of responsibility is new to them, so be gentle and forgiving. Remember, you are their teacher––be a good one. Toilet training is a natural function; therefore its process is a natural one too.

Several ground rules for this process are:

1. Trust your instincts: Making the decision to start the process depends primarily on you and your child. You'll decide whether or not your child is ready simply because you know your child. Make sure you think about the guidelines mentioned above regarding the specific age limits.
2. Once you start, don't look back! You'll only confuse your child or give them mixed messages by being indecisive. Just remember that toilet training is a natural process and thus it will happen. The only variable is the duration. The younger the child, the longer it will take––anywhere from 3 weeks to 3 months is within the norm. At age 2 it might take 2 months, closer to age 3 a child might conquer it in as little as a few days.
3. Allow for mistakes and failures––see them as a part of life, rather than as the end of all possibilities. You don't have to dread toilet training; for most children it is a smooth transition with little or no bumps.

Once you chose to start, follow a consistent plan:

1. Most likely, your child is somewhat aware of the toilet and that adults and older siblings around them are using it. Discussing it daily and presenting the upcoming plan is essential. The child can take part in choosing new underpants, a small toilet, etc.
2. Try and place a child's toilet in more than one place around the house. Make it visible; make it accessible at all times.
3. Decide on a few hours during the day in which your child will not wear a diaper. Some parents prefer the morning hours, for others, the afternoon and early evening are favored. Whatever your choice––stick with it every day!
4. During the hours your child is without a diaper, make sure you are constantly reminding them to use the toilet: it's advisable to ask them if they need to go every 15-20 minutes, as well as gently suggesting that they should go. Find the correct balance between being persistent, and not too intruding. No one likes to be constantly bothered, not even young children.
5. Make a big deal when your child does go; be genuine, be proud. On the same token, don't make them feel bad when they fail. Remember how good you feel when someone understands your struggles. Be as compassionate as you'd like someone to be towards you. Let your child know that failures are part of learning and mistakes are purely lessons. Help yourself understand that as well: don't be tempted to feel easily frustrated, irritated, and powerless. Instead, calm yourself and think positively. Everything's going to be OK!
6. Once your child is able to stay dry for most of the hours they're without a diaper, you can move on to the next step of taking the diaper off completely. Keep the diaper on for naps and nighttime––staying dry while sleeping is a harder task.
7. If you started the process closer to age 2––know that it is purely a mechanical thing that your child is learning with little understanding. If you started it closer to age 3 you might want to extend your explanations a bit. You can use pictures of body and body parts, discuss the food cycle, and such. Either way, your child can acquire that skill so it's up to you to chose how. Gimmicks can help, but the most valued asset to this process is YOU––the parent.

Obviously the market is flooded with a variety of products that seem to be essential to child rearing. Your job is to sift through all that stuff.

1. Training diapers don't enhance toilet training! They might be more convenient, but they don't help your child get the awareness and understanding of the process faster. Sometimes they can actually slow the process since they really do feel much like a diaper. Sure, they might prevent a major "disaster" from happening sometimes, but they might also prevent your child from understanding the complete consequence of their wetting on themselves. You decide. Remember that frustration is the key to our learning so don't rob your child of that feeling.
2. Cloth training pants are better. They don't absorb as much; they still allow your child to feel their body parts freely as well as what happens when they forget to go.
3. Fancy gadgets and fancy toilet seats are great––just don't be fooled into thinking they are what "is doing the job." It is really just you and your child who are doing it together, no matter what is the color of the toilet or the music it produces. So it is with training diapers that change colors. The real successes are internal: you as the guide that stands by your child for better or worse; your child for the hard work and dedication they are putting into this. Admire that––not the products you purchase.
4. Fancy gadgets can sometimes divert the child from the true meaning of the process. Remember it is about responsibility, maturity and success, all of which are products of personal work and commitment.

Your child is ultimately responsible for it, not you! There are three things you may never have control over; neither begging nor punishing will work. They are:

• You can place a plate of food in front of your child but you can't make them eat it.
• You can force your child to stay in bed, but you can't make them fall asleep.
• You can put your child on the toilet, but you can't make them go.

Remembering these three (important) facts may help you avoid power struggles when it comes to toilet training. Don't turn toilet training into an issue between you and your child. That would be something that could lead to anxiety for all parties involved. Harsh consequences of constipation and forced intrusions such as medications and drugs could follow.

Treat your child patiently and tenderly. Be forgiving and kind, and use humor as often as possible. Remind yourself that it is only a matter of time and your child will figure this out. Watch other children: you won't see too many 4 year olds or kindergartners wearing diapers. Most likely your child won't be one either.

Good Luck!